ISSUE 009- COMPARISON IS MAKING YOU MISERABLE

I think comparison is probably one of the hardest parts of being a dancer, creative, teacher, business owner... literally anyone who puts something they care about out into the world.

And I don't think comparison always looks like “I wish I was her” or “I want what she has.” Sometimes it's way more subtle than that.

You see someone else's classes constantly looking busy while yours have been quieter. Their videos seem to get loads of engagement while something you were SO excited to post gets fuck all. They book the job you wanted, seem to constantly have new content to post, always look happy, productive and inspired, and somehow appear to have their entire life and career figured out while you're sat there wondering what the fuck you're doing.

Then there's comparing actual progress. Someone who started after you seems to be progressing faster, someone at your level suddenly gets an opportunity you haven't had yet, or you look at where somebody else is in their career at your age and start questioning whether you should be further ahead by now.

It's SO easy to take one area where somebody appears to be doing better than you and somehow let it become evidence that you're not doing well enough.

AND WHEN YOUR WORK IS PERSONAL, COMPARISON FEELS PERSONAL

I think this is something we don't talk about enough with creative work.

Dance isn't like selling a random product you don't give a shit about. Your choreography came from your brain, your class has your personality in it. Your movement, music choices, your ideas, your teaching, your style, your creativity... it's all incredibly personal.

So when you spend hours creating something you genuinely love and people don't respond to it in the same way they're responding to somebody else's work, it's REALLY difficult not to internalise that.

A video doesn't perform well and logically you know there are a million reasons why that could happen, but emotionally your brain goes:

Oh. They didn't like it.

And sometimes that very quickly becomes:

Maybe they don't like ME. Maybe I'm not good enough.

The same thing happens with classes. If you've spent hours choreographing, planning, travelling, promoting, preparing and putting your energy into something and five people book, while somebody else's class down the road has thirty people in it, of course that can sting.

We put so much time, money, energy and ourselves into what we do that I actually think it would be weird if we NEVER felt anything about how it was received.

The problem is when the response to our work starts deciding how we feel about the work itself.

You loved that choreography before you posted it.

Why did 47 likes suddenly convince you it wasn't good?

WE'RE COMPARING OUR JOURNEY TO THEIR RESULTS

This is probably the biggest mindfuck of social media.

We see the announcement, the booking, the sold-out classes, the tour, the packed workshop, the amazing videos. 

What we don't usually see is everything that happened before it.

We don't see all the nos they received before that yes. We don't see the empty classes, the injuries, the personal setbacks, the periods where they weren't progressing, the shit classes, the failed ideas, the opportunities that fell through or the times they genuinely considered quitting.

We don't see what they sacrificed to make something happen, how much money they've spent getting there, whether they've gone into debt, how stressed they've been, the arguments, the meltdowns, the nights they've sat wondering whether any of this is actually fucking worth it.

And I'm not saying that in a “don't worry, everyone successful is secretly miserable” way because that's bullshit too. Sometimes people ARE doing really fucking well and are genuinely happy 😂

It's just that we're comparing the full behind-the-scenes footage of our own lives to somebody else's highlight reel.

We know every embarrassing failure that came before our achievement. We only know their achievement so of course theirs looks shinier.

SOCIAL MEDIA HAS MADE THE POOL OF PEOPLE WE CAN COMPARE OURSELVES TO FUCKING ENDLESS!!!!

Years ago, you might have compared yourself to the people in your class, your school, your studio or your local scene.

Now you can wake up, open Instagram before you've even got out of bed and within ten minutes you've seen someone sell out a class, someone book a tour, someone launch a business, someone dance unbelievably, someone buy a house, someone go on holiday and somebody else announce the opportunity you've been trying to get for three years.

Meanwhile you've brushed your teeth.

SAY LESSSS😭

And because we're seeing people's achievements constantly, it creates this completely warped perception that everybody is moving forward ALL THE TIME.

They're not. They just aren't posting “Nothing particularly exciting happened for me professionally this month 👍🏼.”

YOU'RE COMPARING YOUR ENTIRE LIFE TO ONE PART OF THEIRS

I do this one myself, and I think it's really easy to fall into.

You see somebody who seems amazing at a particular part of business and suddenly they “have their shit together” while you don't. But maybe they also don't.

Maybe they're brilliant at marketing and terrible with money. Maybe their classes are packed but they're creatively burnt out. Maybe they're booking loads of jobs but desperately want the stability you've built. Maybe they have incredible engagement but no idea how to turn it into an income. Or maybe they're genuinely smashing that particular area. Good for them!!

That still doesn't erase everything you're doing well.

We're very good at identifying the one thing somebody else has that we want and temporarily forgetting every single thing we have that they might want too. Nobody has everything.

COMPARISON CAN ACTUALLY BE USEFUL

I don't think the answer is “never compare yourself to anyone ever again 🩷✨.”

Apart from being unrealistic, I actually think comparison can tell you quite a lot about yourself!

Sometimes jealousy is information. If seeing somebody teach internationally makes something in you ache a little bit, maybe you want to teach internationally!! If you keep comparing your content to somebody whose branding is incredible, maybe you've realised you want to put more energy into your own. If watching somebody progress technically makes you feel uncomfortable, maybe it's highlighted an area of your own training you've been neglecting.

There's a huge difference between:

“I want that too.”

and

“The fact that they have it means I'm failing.”

One can motivate you. The other will fucking destroy your ability to enjoy anything you achieve.

THEIR TIMELINE ISN'T EVIDENCE ABOUT YOURS

This is probably the part I believe in most.

I genuinely believe that whatever is meant for us will happen when it's supposed to happen, and I don't think you can force everything into existence just because somebody else got there first.

Someone booking something before you doesn't mean you've missed your chance. Someone progressing faster doesn't mean you're progressing too slowly. Somebody having an incredible year while yours feels stagnant doesn't mean your life has somehow gone off schedule.

We're all dealing with completely different circumstances, opportunities, bodies, finances, relationships, responsibilities, brains, starting points and random bits of luck.

You cannot accurately measure two completely different lives against each other.

And sometimes the thing you're desperate to rush towards isn't even supposed to happen yet. There might be experiences, people, failures or lessons you need first that eventually make you better prepared for it when it does! I genuinely feel like everything I have achieved has happened at the time it was supposed to, looking back I would not have been ready or prepared if they had come when I first was wishing for them.

AND JUST IN CASE YOU’VE EVER COMPARED YOURSELF TO ME...

You might have even looked at me before and thought I have my shit together. You might see the classes, travelling, studio, app, content, workshops and everything else I post and assume I'm always confident in what I'm doing.

I can assure you, I absolutely do not have my shit together 😂

Even now, I get anxious pretty much every week that nobody is going to book my classes or that I'm going to turn up with choreography everyone hates. I had a full meltdown about an hour before launching my app because the self doubt and anxiety suddenly crept in and I convinced myself everyone was going to think it was shit, nobody was going to care and I'd spent all this time creating something nobody actually wanted. My sister and my boyfriend had to sit me down and talk sense back into me because ya girl was SPIRALINGGG LOL.

There are days where I'll spend five hours in my studio trying to choreograph and have approximately four existential crises because I hate everything I'm creating, can't connect with a single song and somehow end up questioning whether I've chosen the wrong career and if I'm even good at what I do.

I've taught classes with three people booked on. I've spent HOURS creating a piece of content for it to get hardly any engagement. I've had workshops cancelled by organisers because the bookings were too low. I've had days where I don't feel good enough and I've compared myself to other teachers wondering why something seems to be working for them and not for me.

Literally last month my trains were cancelled and severely delayed, which meant I completely missed one of my classes and was super late for the next. I paid to extend the second class by another 30 minutes so everyone still got their full class time, but I was had an actual panic attack on the train because I had somehow convinced myself my entire career was over because a fucking tree had fallen on the tracks😭

In my head everyone at the class was never going to book with me again. The studio was going to think I was unreliable and unprofessional and they'd never trust me as a teacher again. Years of being reliable and on time every week had apparently been erased by one tree somewhere in Kent....

And do you know what actually happened?

The class was actually fine, everyone was lovely and understanding. I found cover for the first class and we got our full time in for the second one and the rest of my classes and  day carried on as normal.

Then I got home, sat in my car and cried, then got inside and continued to cry because I'd spent the entire day holding all of that stress in.

But if you followed me on Instagram, you would never have known.

And that's exactly my point!

You have absolutely no idea what is happening behind the version of somebody's life you're comparing yourself to.

I've had some incredible opportunities and I'm really proud of what I've built, but those things exist alongside the self doubt, quiet classes, failed ideas, anxiety, creative blocks and moments where I haven't got a fucking clue what I'm doing. One doesn't cancel out the other.

So if you've ever looked at me and thought she's got it figured out, while looking at your own life and wondering why you haven't...

You've been comparing your behind the scenes to my highlights too.

SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO LOOK BACKWARDS INSTEAD OF SIDEWAYS

We're constantly looking at who's ahead of us, but I don't think we spend nearly enough time looking at how far we've already come.

Think about yourself two years ago, five years ago. The version of you who wanted some of the things you barely even acknowledge now because the second you achieved them, you replaced them with a new goal.

That's something I'm VERY guilty of. I can achieve something I've wanted for ages and instead of sitting there thinking fuck, well done, my brain has already moved onto what I haven't done yet. I don't think I ever sit there and give myself the time to really enjoy the achievement or the moment before i'm thinking about how I can be better or achieve something bigger....

And ambition is amazing, wanting more from your life is amazing!

But if every achievement immediately becomes the new minimum, when exactly are you planning on being proud of yourself? 

There will always be someone doing more.

Someone with busier classes, more followers, better engagement, more jobs, more money, more opportunities, better technique, a bigger platform, a nicer house, a more organised fucking Google Calendar lol.

If our ability to feel successful depends on nobody around us appearing to be doing better, we are setting ourselves up to feel behind forever.

We should use other people as inspiration, to let their success show us what's possible. Let comparison occasionally reveal something you want and then use that information to do something productive.

But please don't spend so much time watching everybody else's life that you completely miss your own. Maybe the goal isn't to build a life that looks better than somebody else', maybe it's to build one you actually like living.